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If the throngs of crazed customers clutching registry printouts at the Crate and Barrel are any indication, wedding season
is once again upon us.
Before you head off to the next joyous union on your jam-packed calendar, why not take a moment to reflect on rich history
of marriage celebrations and revel in the realization that weddings are, at their core, incredibly bizarre.
THE WHITE WEDDING DRESS
Technically, today's wedding gowns aren't white. They are "Candlelight," "Warm Ivory," "Ecru"
or "Frost." But there was a time when a bride's wedding attire was simply the best thing in her closet (talk about
"off the rack"), and could be any color, even black.
To convince her groom that she came from a wealthy family, brides would also pile on layers of fur, silk and velvet, as
apparently grooms didn't care if his wife-to-be reeked of sweaty B.O. as long as she was loaded.
It was dear ol' Queen Victoria (whose reign lasted from 1837-1901) who made white fashionable. She wore a pale gown trimmed
in orange blossoms for her 1840 wedding to her first cousin, Prince Albert.
Hordes of royal-crazed plebeians immediately began to copy her, which is an astonishing feat considering that "People
Magazine" wasn't around to publish the Super Exclusive Wedding Photos, or instruct readers on how to Steal Vicki's Hot
Wedding Style.
GIVING AWAY THE BRIDE
Remember that Women's Studies class you considered taking in college? Allow us to summarize what you would have learned:
All of our society's gender issues stem from the fact that fathers once used their daughters as currency to a) pay off a debt
to a wealthier land owner, b) symbolize a sacrificial, monetary peace offering to an opposing tribe or c) buy their way into
a higher social strata.
So next time you tear up watching a beaming father walk his little girl down the aisle, remember that it's just a tiny,
barbaric little hold over from the days when daughters were nothing but dollar signs to daddy dearest.
And that veil she's wearing? Yeah, that was so the groom wouldn't know if he was stuck with an uggo until it was time
to kiss the bride and too late to back out on the transaction. (There is also some superstitious B.S. about warding off evil
spirits, but we think you'll agree that hiding a busted grill from the husband-to-be is a more practical purpose.) Weird wedding
laws still on the books
THE WEDDING PARTY
Talk about your runaway brides -- the original duty of a "Best Man" was to serve as armed backup for the groom
in case he had to resort to kidnapping his intended bride away from disapproving parents. The "best" part of that
title refers to his skill with a sword, should the need arise. (You wouldn't want to take the "just okay" member
of your weapon-wielding posse with you to steal yourself a wife, would you?)
The best man stands guard next to the groom right up through the exchange of vows (and later, outside the newlyweds' bedroom
door), just in case anyone should attack or if a non-acquiescent bride should try to make a run for it.
It's said that feisty groups like the Huns, Goths and Visigoths took so many brides by force that they kept a cache of
weapons stored beneath the floorboards of churches for convenience. Modern-day best men are more likely to store an emergency
six-pack at the ceremony for convenience, but the title remains an apt one.
Ladies -- believe it or not -- the concept of the bridesmaid's gown was not invented to inflict painful dowdiness upon
the bride's friends and female relatives thus making the bride look hotter by comparison.
Historically, that dress you'll never wear again was actually selected with the purpose of tricking the eye of evil spirits
and jealous ex-lovers (spicy!). Brides' faithful attendants were instructed to wear a dress similar to that of the bride so
that during their group stroll to the church it would be hard for any ill-willed spirits or former boy-toys to spot the bride
and curse/kidnap/throw rocks at her. (Ditto for the boys in matching penguin suits, saving the groom from a similar fate.)
GARTER AND BOUQUET TOSS
This pair of rituals has long been the scourge of the modern wedding guest. What could possibly be more humiliating than
being forced out to the center of a parquet dance floor and being expected to demonstrate your desperation by diving for flying
flowers?
How about grasping in the air for a lacy piece of undergarment that until moments ago resided uncomfortably close to the
crotch of your buddy's wife? At any other point in time, that would make you seem wildly creepy. So why is it acceptable at
a wedding?
It used to be that after the bride and groom said, "I do," they were to go immediately into a nearby room and
consummate the marriage. Obviously, to really make it official, there would need to be witnesses, which basically led to hordes
of wedding guests crowding around the bed, pushing and shoving to get a good view and hopefully to get their hands on a lucky
piece of the bride's dress as it was ripped from her body.
Sometimes the greedy guests helped get the process going by grabbing at the bride's dress as she walked by, hoping for
a few threads of good fortune. In time, it seems, people realized that this was all a bit, well... creepy, and it was decided
that for modesty's sake the bride could toss her bouquet as a diversion as she made her getaway and the groom could simply
remove an item of the bride's undergarments and then toss it back outside to the waiting throngs to prove that he was about
to, uh, seal the deal.
SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW, SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE (and a sixpence in my shoe?)
A common theme that you've no doubt noticed throughout this post: humans used to be a superstitious bunch. This rhyming
phrase neatly lists a number of English customs dating back to the Victorian age which, when worn in combination, should bring
the bride oodles of fabulous good luck.
The something old was meant to tie the bride to her family and her past, while the something new represented her new life
as the property of a new family. The item borrowed was supposed to be taken from someone who was already a successfully married
wife, so as to pass on a bit of her good fortune to the new bride. The color blue stood for all sorts of super fun things
like faithfulness, loyalty, and purity. The sixpence, of course, was meant to bring the bride and her new groom actual, cold,
hard fortune.
Just in case that wasn't enough, brides of yore also carried bunches of herbs (which most brides now replace with expensive,
out-of-season peonies) to ward off evil spirits. More bizarre customs
SAVING THE WEDDING CAKE
Why do couples eat freezer-burned wedding cake on their one-year anniversary? To answer this, we must look to the lyrics
of a schoolyard classic: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage! It used to be assumed
that when there was a wedding, a christening would follow shortly. So, rather than bake two cakes for the occasions, they'd
just bake one big one and save a part of it to be eaten at a later date when the squealing bundle of joy arrived.
Eventually folks warmed to the idea of giving the poor kid his own, newly baked cake, but the custom of saving a portion
of the wedding cake far longer than it should be saved and then eating it and deluding oneself to believe that it actually
tastes good is one that persists to this day.
REFUSING TO THROW AWAY THE LEFTOVERS
This leads to another sweet, delicious, buttercream-iced mystery to be solved: Why do couples eat freezer-burned wedding
cake on their one-year anniversary? To answer this, we must look to the lyrics of a schoolyard classic: First comes love,
then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage! It used to be assumed that when there was a wedding, a christening
would follow shortly. So, rather than bake two cakes for the occasions, they’d just bake one big one and save a
part of it to be eaten at a later date when the squealing bundle of joy arrived. Eventually folks warmed to the idea of giving
the poor kid his own, newly baked cake, but the custom of saving a portion of the wedding cake far longer than it should be
saved and then eating it and deluding oneself to believe that it actually tastes good is one that persists to this day.
THROWING RICE
Pelting newlyweds with uncooked starchy vegetables is a time-honored tradition meant to shower the new couple with prosperity,
fertility and, of course, good fortune. Oats, grains and dried corn were also used before rice rose to the top as the preferred
symbolic sprinkle. Rice lost its popularity when it became widely rumored that if birds ate the rice, it would expand in their
stomach and kill them. This is decidedly untrue, as is evidenced by the fact that birds eat dried rice and corn and other
dehydrated vegetables and grains from fields all the time and we have yet to see any mention of a national, exploding-bird
epidemic running on the CNN news ticker.
Rice can be a hazard to guests, who can lose their footing on rice covered pavement and take a nasty spill. Turns out,
even rice alternatives have their drawbacks. Two Texas women were badly injured at a wedding in May 2008 while trying to light
celebratory sparklers to send off the bride and groom. The group of sparklers ignited all at once and exploded, burning one
woman’s face and both of their arms. One guest at a Russian wedding in Chechnya last March decided to buck tradition
altogether and threw an armed hand grenade into the unsuspecting crowd, injuring a dozen people. Our advice? Stick with rose
petals. They are soft, non-hazardous, non-lethal and biodegradable.
1. Why Do People Tie Cans to the Back of the Married Couple’s Car?
This tradition actually started during the Tudor period in England. As the bride and groom left in their carriage, wedding
guests would throw their shoes at them because it was considered good luck if you hit the vehicle. Today that would be considered
a lawsuit, so we tie them to the car instead. And since walking home from a wedding with only one shoe is no fun, Americans
started using aluminum cans instead.
2. Why Is It Bad Luck for the Groom to See His Bride on Their Wedding Day?
This common American tradition seems sweet, but its origins aren’t exactly tender. For hundreds of years, fathers
arranged their daughter’s marriages by offering money to young men. However, if Daddy’s Little Girl wasn’t
exactly fit for the cover of Maxim, Daddy might decide to search for prospective grooms in nearby towns, for obvious reasons.
When these men showed up on the wedding day—not having seen their future brides before—it was common for
some of them to flee the scene. So the tradition that it’s “bad luck” for a man to see his bride
before the ceremony really started out as insurance for her dad.
3. How Did We Get a “Ring Finger”?
What Americans call the ring finger is not the same for everyone. In some parts of India, wedding bands are worn on the
thumb. In 3rd-century Greece, the ring finger was the index finger. But later, the Greeks believed that the third finger on
a person’s hand was connected directly to the heart by a route called “the vein of love.” Today’s
Western tradition stems from that.
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